I’ve been part of the same fantasy football league for the past seven seasons. It’s a 10-man league lovingly named after my dear old mom (I don’t run the league and had no say). Fuck you Commish!
We run a variant of most leagues: QB1, RB1, RB2, WR1, WR2, TE1, IDP1, K1. Nothing fancy, no auctions, no keepers, and a random snake draft every year. It’s a 13 week regular season. The first and second place teams are locked into the playoffs. Week 14 is a full scramble for all the other teams except the last place finisher, who is bounced.
Week 14 scores are then weighted based on regular season finish (the higher the finish, the higher the weighting). The top two teams from the scramble then play the top two regular season finishers in Week 15. And of course, those winners match up for a Week 16 championship game.
But although I took the regular season title, I couldn’t help but feel like Donnie Darko laying in his bed to set the world straight instead of making a bee-line to the golf course. What if we had an auction league? What if we had a keeper format? What about flex? What about team defense instead of IDP? Seven years is a long time to spend in any league, and most of the founders remain.
As my time-worn Commish can attest, I bring these issues up every year, hoping to beat he and the rest of the league into submission. Auction is clearly the most efficient way to determine player value and by far the most accurate indicator of fantasy prowess.
Here’s a little flavor on the most lively arguments over the last two years (taken directly from the WLS – We Love Sandy – League forums on CBS Sportsline). Your author is the Bloodfarts.
This was my theory after a lackluster 2007, answering why did our league suck that year?
Or maybe it was the lack of individual contribution from GM BK, who’s life-long battle against technology reached shockingly new lows? To that end, was it a function of the LS crew’s dismal record most of the season, effectively silencing the farts-smegma-wetloads regimes? One could speculate that the A-holes rise to mediocrity should’ve compensated a little, but Robert really didn’t know what to do above .500.
And my response to people telling me to QQ after getting my 2008 draft position:
I was more than a little butt-hurt over drafting seventh this year, particularly in a non-keeper, non-auction league where I finished second-to-last in 2007. It was another installment in a miserable series of draft positions, helping me win (lose) the award for worst avg. draft position over the last five years.
And when I traded up that year to take LT, my response to the detractors. Yeah, I know.
Faced with another year of mediocrity, I decided to put a weighty offer on the board – Picks #7 and #14 in exchange for rights to the #1 pick, by way of the Ashippun A-Holes, a franchise blessed with draft luck (1.5 avg. draft position) but cursed in regular season success (highest finish #3, not counting the 2003 super team, where we finished second).
It’s tough to argue that LT (#1) is more valuable than the combination of Peyton Manning (#7) and Clinton Portis (#14). On paper, the trade is widely lopsided – LT with 226 points in 2007 vs. a combined 450+ points for Manning/Portis. In reality, the luck hasn’t spun. Yet.
ED Note: The 2003 super team was admittedly a three-team attempt to send all of our players to a super team to win the league and split the funds. We lost, and subsequent rule changes negated future super teams. Hey, we tried.
Of course, LT came into his own late in the 2008 season, and along with my selections of Matt Forte, Jonathan Stewart and Mr. Kurt Warner on the wires, things were looking up for the Bloodfarts. Alas, here’s GM BK’s comments mid-season (sic’d):
I think it is hard to argue that you are probably feeling shitty about how your fantasy team is doing. Well, you will probably feel that way for quite a while. Do a couple of things for me…first, look at the 4-0 Bloodfarts pathetic PA….lowest in the league. Admittingly he is lucky to be 4-0 and is glad that everyone he plays lays a turd. Then go and look at the 3-1 Smegmas, who had the #10 pick in the draft this year….one of the highest PA and one of the highest points scored, and still at 3-1. Next, lets look at Parky’s shitty squad. Arguably the worst 2-2 team in Fantasy history and still he thinks they are as good as Sandy in bed on a Sunday morning, while drinking a bloody mary. I guess the point is, I would like to shove my #10 pick straight up everyone’s cornhole, and campaign for coach of the year right now. Also, quick disclaimer…I will admittingly lose in a few weeks to Parky while I have T.O. and Romo on a bye week…so you can’t even talk smack parky, cause I prefaced it with a disclaimer. Bears game Sunday night was awesome, Packers suck dick, and go Brewers tomorrow afternoon!!!!!!
And here’s a little more flavor from me on how the season progressed.
I stayed up until around 5am with BK and friends on Saturday (ED: Halloween), so I was way too hungover to talk shit yesterday. In fact, I crapped myself twice today and promised never to drink again . . . then had four beers during the game.
Anyway, I believe BK made the biggest boner move ever. I’m not sure what he did, but I know he broke the record for least points scored in a game. I don’t blame him . . . I saw this man at roughly 5:45am, we were talking to the joker and bat girl. But, I will say the Bloodfarts beat down the Brawlers, leaving Herd and I back out front.
BTW, BK dressed as a transexual cougar, I was a giant chicken.
Here’s late in the season from BK, after I benched LT against him (LT was laying eggs left and right at that point with Sproles coming on). I lost this one, and he let me have it:
I don’t care who you are, who is playing defense, or how hungover you are when you make the call……YOU DON’T BENCH LADAINIAN UNTIL HE RETIRES DUDE. And before you come back with the fact that your bench outscored my starters – they wouldn’t have if you would have made the right coaching moves. Week in and week out, the bloodfarts make poor coaching decisions with arguably the best team in the league. You should not brag about the talent you have…you are belittling the coaching being done. I admittingly have a shitty team on paper, which by the way started with the last pick in the draft. (Insert Bloodfarts comment: “I drafted your entire team.”) but I am pushing for one of the top spots with pure coaching and witty trash talk. Actually, I am getting sleepy and tired of trash talking. Just trying to stir the pot. This message is approved by Seagrems 7, a coke or two, a glass, and some ice.
A week later when I took the regular season crown, BK offers his perspective. Again sic’d for your enjoyment.
I guess there were a few things that stuck out to me when I sat back and contemplated the Bloodfarts regular season victory. The first of those was that I scored 43 more total offensive points than he did. Also, the teams I played against scored 22.5 more points than the teams that played against the Bloodfarts. In actuality, that alone makes me better, but as fantasy definitely is, a victim of circumstance, and who we played who each week was obviously a factor. I can take solace in the fact that I kicked Bloodfarts ass a week ago. Oh, how about the fact that I did not even put a line-up in for one of the weeks…yes, my fault, but it is interesting to note that one more win for me, and I am the champ considering I had more total points than the bloodfarts. Also, it is interesting to note that if Deuce fell forward a mere 6 feet during the week I tied 60-60….the bloodfarts are not celebrating at all…in fact I am. All this adds makes it very clear who should have won this league. I guess we will see you in the playoffs…if the bloodfarts even make it to Championship weekend that is. Good luck to the other 7 teams this weekend, because whoever survives, will probably be playing me for the Championship! Go Smegmas! 6 feet….6 feet made the difference for the regular season championship. Oh, I picked LAST in the draft by the way.
As fate would have it, the two top regular season teams made it to the championship game. I lost by way of Steve Smith’s “Yardage but No Touchdowns” M.O. Meanwhile, I sat one of the most productive late-season WRs in the game, Hines Ward. BTW, take a look at Hines Ward over the last three years compared to other to WRs. Specifically, check him against Chad Ochocinco, a similar receiver that’s being greatly over-valued in mock drafts.
