Welcome to the first round of the Coen Brothers Character Tournament. Check out this post for a refresher on tournament rules. Tonight we open the West Region matchups featuring 16 well-known Coen characters.
And on to the fights.
————————
#1 The Dude (The Big Lebowski) vs. #16 Bernie Bernbaum (Miller’s Crossing)
Tale of the Tape:
- Intelligence (2 – 5): Advantage Bernbaum.
- Luck (5-2): Advantage The Dude.
- Heart (5-1): Advantage The Dude.
The Winner:
The Dude by Unanimous Decision. With a liter of White Russians pumping through his veins, The Dude outlasts a wilting Bernbaum for the decision. According to subsequent police reports, Bernbaum retaliated by pissing on The Dude’s rug.
————————
#8 Norville Barnes (The Hudsucker Proxy) vs. #9 Osbourne Cox (Burn After Reading)
Tale of the Tape:
- Intelligence (2 – 5): Advantage Cox.
- Luck (5-1): Advantage Barnes.
- Heart (5-2): Advantage Barnes.
The Winner:
Barnes by TKO. Easily the best matchup of the first round. The unorthodox Barnes exits his corner holding a nondescript plastic disc while swinging a sand-filled hoop around his hips. Cox is clearly shitfaced, a 1,200- page manuscript in one hand and a hatchet in the other, staring intently not at Barnes but his corner man, Harry Pfarrer. Barnes takes the opening, using the disc to open a gash on Cox’s cheek. Startled, Cox side-steps a second blow while simultaneously bludgeoning Barnes with the full weight of his ambitious yet dry manuscript. Barnes regains his footing and circles Cox, the swinging hoop making its way up his torso to defend against a potential hatchet chop. Cox counters with a sweeping manuscript strike to the groin. Stunned, Barnes backpedals to the ropes. In a flash, Cox follows with the hatchet, missing wide but severing Barnes’ protective neck hoop. Barnes musters his remaining strength and executes the rarely seen double somersault between Cox’s legs, reversing his position and unleashing a 360 degree plastic disc slice to Cox’s mid-section. Drunk but not that drunk, Cox parries with the manuscript. The binding explodes under the force leaving Cox, with hatchet, and Barnes, with disc, on the brink of frenzy. Enraged but still a CIA operative trained to be cool under pressure, Cox feigns a second hatchet slice before dropping a Three Stooges double-eye poke on Barnes. Blinded, Barnes crumples to the mat, holding the now-cracked plastic disk feebly in defense. Cox, relishing the moment, makes a throat-slash gesture to Pfarrer in the corner before winding up for the finishing blow. Suddenly, the entire arena is frozen in time as the angelic image of Waring Hudsucker descends from above. Moments later, Cox is listless on the floor while a rejuvenated Barnes walks away triumphantly, mumbling something about a rock that changes color with your mood.
————————
#5 Linda Litzke (Burn After Reading) vs. #12 Carson Wells (No Country)
Tale of the Tape:
- Intelligence (2 – 4): Advantage Wells.
- Luck (5-1): Advantage Litzke.
- Heart (5-3): Advantage Litzke.
The Winner:
Litzke by TKO. Litzke enters the ring looking terrific, thanks in large part to the CIA’s gracious investment in her body modifications. Wells comes out aggressive, doing at least $25,000 of damage to Litzke’s new cheeks and nose. At the close of round three, Wells does a bit of show-boating and accidentally walks back to the wrong corner. Unknown to Wells, Litzke won an intense pre-fight coin flip and had Anton Chigurh working her corner. A dull thooomp later and it’s Litzke by TKO.
————————
#4 Walter Sobchak (The Big Lebowski) vs. #13 Jerry Lundegaard (Fargo)
Tale of the Tape:
- Intelligence (2 – 2): Even.
- Luck (3-2): Advantage Sobchak.
- Heart (5-1): Advantage Sobchak.
The Winner:
Sobchak by KO. Sobchak enters the cage with his league championship bowling ball in hand. In response, Lundegaard signals his corner man Carl Showalter, who vanishes into the crowd. Moments later Sobchak receives a phone call saying The Dude is being held for ransom pending the outcome of the fight. Not one to back down in the face of unchecked aggression, Sobchak nearly decapitates Lundegaard with a 7-10 split. The Dude is recovered unharmed from Bunny Lebowski’s guest quarters.
————————
#6 Julian Marty (Blood Simple) vs. #11 Pete (O’Brother)
Tale of the Tape:
- Intelligence (3 – 2): Advantage Marty.
- Luck (2-3): Advantage Pete.
- Heart (5-3): Advantage Marty.
The Winner:
Pete by KO. Our first upset in the West Region. At one point it appeared that Pete killed Marty with a devastating right hook. The fighter lay motionless for what seemed like an eternity before rising to his feet. It was one of the most remarkable recoveries ever seen in tournament play. And then Pete literally killed him.
————————
#3 Ulysses Everett McGill (O’Brother) vs. #14 Big Dave Brewster (The Man Who Wasn’t There)
Tale of the Tape:
- Intelligence (4 – 3): Advantage Everett.
- Luck (5-1): Advantage Everett.
- Heart (5-3): Advantage Everett.
The Winner:
Everett by TKO. There was a lot of controversy post-fight. Big Dave’s camp argued that Everett’s Dapper Dan hair treatment (not to be confused with FOP) was illegally applied to his face, making it nearly impossible to land a punch. In response, Everett told local press that given the “personal rancor reflected in that remark, I don’t intend to dignify it with comment.”
————————
#7 Barton Fink (Barton Fink) vs. #10 Shep Proudfoot (Fargo)
Tale of the Tape:
- Intelligence (5 – 1): Advantage Fink.
- Luck (1-1): Even.
- Heart (1-2): Advantage Proudfoot.
The Winner:
Proudfoot by DQ. Another upset, although this one by disqualification. Proudfoot, holding a considerable size advantage, unleashed a merciless furry of belt whips to the vastly undersized Fink. After six rounds, however, it appeared Fink was taking absolutely no damage, with Proudfoot looking near exhausted for the effort. After consulting with his corner man (Satan), Fink declined to come out of his corner for the next round, stating simply that he had more un-produced scripts to write.
————————
#2 Anton Chigurh (No Country) vs. #15 Gaear Grimsrud (Fargo)
Tale of the Tape:
- Intelligence (5 – 3): Advantage Chigurh.
- Luck (5-1): Advantage Chigurh.
- Heart (5-1): Advantage Chigurh.
The Winner:
Anton Chigurh by KO. Grimsrud was clearly over-matched from the opening bell, attempting to lure Chigurh to the chipper-shredder set up near his corner. A poor strategy against the more nimble Chigurh and his scary compressed air . . . thing.
————————
Check back later this week for the first round of the East Region matchups.
CBCT: West Region, Round 1
Welcome to the first round of the Coen Brothers Character Tournament. Check out this post for a refresher on tournament rules. Tonight we open the West Region matchups featuring 16 well-known Coen characters.
And on to the fights.
————————
#1 The Dude (The Big Lebowski) vs. #16 Bernie Bernbaum (Miller’s Crossing)
Tale of the Tape:
The Winner:
The Dude by Unanimous Decision. With a liter of White Russians pumping through his veins, The Dude outlasts a wilting Bernbaum for the decision. According to subsequent police reports, Bernbaum retaliated by pissing on The Dude’s rug.
————————
#8 Norville Barnes (The Hudsucker Proxy) vs. #9 Osbourne Cox (Burn After Reading)
Tale of the Tape:
The Winner:
Barnes by TKO. Easily the best matchup of the first round. The unorthodox Barnes exits his corner holding a nondescript plastic disc while swinging a sand-filled hoop around his hips. Cox is clearly shitfaced, a 1,200- page manuscript in one hand and a hatchet in the other, staring intently not at Barnes but his corner man, Harry Pfarrer. Barnes takes the opening, using the disc to open a gash on Cox’s cheek. Startled, Cox side-steps a second blow while simultaneously bludgeoning Barnes with the full weight of his ambitious yet dry manuscript. Barnes regains his footing and circles Cox, the swinging hoop making its way up his torso to defend against a potential hatchet chop. Cox counters with a sweeping manuscript strike to the groin. Stunned, Barnes backpedals to the ropes. In a flash, Cox follows with the hatchet, missing wide but severing Barnes’ protective neck hoop. Barnes musters his remaining strength and executes the rarely seen double somersault between Cox’s legs, reversing his position and unleashing a 360 degree plastic disc slice to Cox’s mid-section. Drunk but not that drunk, Cox parries with the manuscript. The binding explodes under the force leaving Cox, with hatchet, and Barnes, with disc, on the brink of frenzy. Enraged but still a CIA operative trained to be cool under pressure, Cox feigns a second hatchet slice before dropping a Three Stooges double-eye poke on Barnes. Blinded, Barnes crumples to the mat, holding the now-cracked plastic disk feebly in defense. Cox, relishing the moment, makes a throat-slash gesture to Pfarrer in the corner before winding up for the finishing blow. Suddenly, the entire arena is frozen in time as the angelic image of Waring Hudsucker descends from above. Moments later, Cox is listless on the floor while a rejuvenated Barnes walks away triumphantly, mumbling something about a rock that changes color with your mood.
————————
#5 Linda Litzke (Burn After Reading) vs. #12 Carson Wells (No Country)
Tale of the Tape:
The Winner:
Litzke by TKO. Litzke enters the ring looking terrific, thanks in large part to the CIA’s gracious investment in her body modifications. Wells comes out aggressive, doing at least $25,000 of damage to Litzke’s new cheeks and nose. At the close of round three, Wells does a bit of show-boating and accidentally walks back to the wrong corner. Unknown to Wells, Litzke won an intense pre-fight coin flip and had Anton Chigurh working her corner. A dull thooomp later and it’s Litzke by TKO.
————————
#4 Walter Sobchak (The Big Lebowski) vs. #13 Jerry Lundegaard (Fargo)
Tale of the Tape:
The Winner:
Sobchak by KO. Sobchak enters the cage with his league championship bowling ball in hand. In response, Lundegaard signals his corner man Carl Showalter, who vanishes into the crowd. Moments later Sobchak receives a phone call saying The Dude is being held for ransom pending the outcome of the fight. Not one to back down in the face of unchecked aggression, Sobchak nearly decapitates Lundegaard with a 7-10 split. The Dude is recovered unharmed from Bunny Lebowski’s guest quarters.
————————
#6 Julian Marty (Blood Simple) vs. #11 Pete (O’Brother)
Tale of the Tape:
The Winner:
Pete by KO. Our first upset in the West Region. At one point it appeared that Pete killed Marty with a devastating right hook. The fighter lay motionless for what seemed like an eternity before rising to his feet. It was one of the most remarkable recoveries ever seen in tournament play. And then Pete literally killed him.
————————
#3 Ulysses Everett McGill (O’Brother) vs. #14 Big Dave Brewster (The Man Who Wasn’t There)
Tale of the Tape:
The Winner:
Everett by TKO. There was a lot of controversy post-fight. Big Dave’s camp argued that Everett’s Dapper Dan hair treatment (not to be confused with FOP) was illegally applied to his face, making it nearly impossible to land a punch. In response, Everett told local press that given the “personal rancor reflected in that remark, I don’t intend to dignify it with comment.”
————————
#7 Barton Fink (Barton Fink) vs. #10 Shep Proudfoot (Fargo)
Tale of the Tape:
The Winner:
Proudfoot by DQ. Another upset, although this one by disqualification. Proudfoot, holding a considerable size advantage, unleashed a merciless furry of belt whips to the vastly undersized Fink. After six rounds, however, it appeared Fink was taking absolutely no damage, with Proudfoot looking near exhausted for the effort. After consulting with his corner man (Satan), Fink declined to come out of his corner for the next round, stating simply that he had more un-produced scripts to write.
————————
#2 Anton Chigurh (No Country) vs. #15 Gaear Grimsrud (Fargo)
Tale of the Tape:
The Winner:
Anton Chigurh by KO. Grimsrud was clearly over-matched from the opening bell, attempting to lure Chigurh to the chipper-shredder set up near his corner. A poor strategy against the more nimble Chigurh and his scary compressed air . . . thing.
————————
Check back later this week for the first round of the East Region matchups.